Saturday, 26 May 2012

Anti Social Housing


And so it will come to pass in April 2013, that the superstitious who walk among us will have a year of fear because there is a Thirteen mentioned in the year 2013.

No doom and or gloom merchant will be disappointed then because the politicians, who only think they walk among us, will be implementing their ill thought out changes to rented housing laws.   

So who will be affected?   Not to worry that was a rhetorical question.  Only those that cannot find the means to be affected will actually be affected when 
Councils and housing associations will be able to charge between 40% and 80% of market value on their stocks…    

To market to market to buy a fat pig, home again home again?   Jiggery jig!
So bacon does seem to go up every time we go food shopping but pigs will need wings for anyone to benefit from these ideas.   Pigs getting their wings?  Now THAT rings a bell…

However, I must admit that I do not actually own a crystal ball but I DO own a calculator.  So armed with reading glasses coffee and calculator, I thought I would look into what these unprovoked meddlings could mean?
 Well the first thing to disregard would be the size of the rooms in typical social housing properties which are typically smaller than the grandiose mansion.  This is because such tenants are thought to have same size master bedrooms as those who can stretch out at night…

Right..  So if a 90 year old three bed roomed terraced house with a ground floor bathroom, complete with antisocial neighbours each side or not, councils could ask around £145 per week  for your right to live in it..  Now although my coffee went cold, I am reliably informed by my calculator that this means at least £630 per calendar month.  

Try getting THAT from an estate agent!   Room sizes problems?  Never! Size is unimportant in such master bedrooms…  That will be £1620 pcm with references; BUT NO DOGS.  

What does this mean in real, estate, terms then?  An imposed rent increase of between £252 and £504 per month. =  £756  minus  £1 for every year of the properties age?   £666…   The devil take it…   666 coincidentally, is part of my wife’s National Insurance number…

Another thing that the law meddlers will see as a good idea though; is this…   If you have a non dependant under your roof who decides to move out and leave you under occupied, a 14% cut will be levied against your housing benefit claim.  Does this mean that local councils will make about £20 per move?  NO!  They could lose double that when the non dep moves out and stops paying his/her share to them…

A non dependant by the way, is the one who is always out in your car with mates or laying in bed all day with an X Box…

Yet there is more…   New tenants now will be subject to a five year review on their needs for remaining in social housing to add to the new regime…

Dear Council Officer, you remember little Billy the new born I moved into here with along with my spouse…   Well I am proud to say that little Billy is now a schoolboy.   Unfortunately he tells me a lot of lies.  Lies like for instance he ate all his cabbage I gave him when in fact he binned it behind my back.  I worry already that if he doesn’t soon start to be truthful, then he could go into politics?

My spouse?  She left me for another man a year or so ago…   I’m still annoyed at this because I think it only fair that she should have taken her Mother as well…

Anyway, since you ask, I have no income now apart from lone parent benefits. And if you evict me now, then where could you rehouse me as homeless lone parent?

Would, in all seriousness as much as you can see from this government, would a 14% cut be fair on a tenant who asks to be decanted into a smaller property as a result but has to wait on a list for a couple of years?



Tuesday, 22 May 2012

We wish you a merry ASBO and a happy new jeer …


The story of Christmas.
Once upon a time in a cabinet office not so far away, there lived a war mongering Prime Minister called Tony Blair…

Now Tony was very protective of his war mongering skills and would even claim that in other lands there lived some rulers who had weapons of mass destruction at their disposal so he could practice his skills, even though he had already made quite sure that those weapons were now disposed of anyway.  He still liked to pretend they were a real threat to his land because after all, weapons of mass destruction had the same initials as his inner cabinet; War Mongering Department…

However, one day, he noticed that the young and the not so young people of his land were getting into their own versions of war mongering…  They would drive cars too fast at night, frighten their neighbours cats and even swear at nice policemen; not to mention refusing to help dear old ladies across the road without carrying off their handbags for them in return…

“What shall we do with all these people who are anti social?”  Tony mused to his cabinet friends.

“I know,” said the home secretary, “Let’s make they’re behaviour against the law.”

“But it already is,” said the tea lady who was serving coffee instead.

“This means war.” Said Tony.  “We will tell all the judges to order them to behave or else!”

“Or else what?” they all murmured as well as “Here here.”

After awhile, it was agreed to issue an Anti social behaviour notice on such wrong doers in order to stop them in their tracks.

“We will call such measures, an ASBO,” Tony said making a note on the back of his hand.   It was best to call it that because to write Anti social behaviour order would have meant writing half way up his arm.

Again however, as time, crime and changing Prime Ministers went on, the ASBO was a thing to have.   You wouldn’t be considered worthy of even watching television without a licence if you had no ASBO to your name…

Well today, in recognition of the value of ASBO, they are now to be called CRIMBO; or Christmas to use the proper terminology.

ASBOs will now become Christmas orders announced the new Prime Ministers cabinet.as they sang "Jingle bells, prison cells all full up they say, so slap a Christmas stamp on them and send them on their way...