Saturday, 26 May 2012

Anti Social Housing


And so it will come to pass in April 2013, that the superstitious who walk among us will have a year of fear because there is a Thirteen mentioned in the year 2013.

No doom and or gloom merchant will be disappointed then because the politicians, who only think they walk among us, will be implementing their ill thought out changes to rented housing laws.   

So who will be affected?   Not to worry that was a rhetorical question.  Only those that cannot find the means to be affected will actually be affected when 
Councils and housing associations will be able to charge between 40% and 80% of market value on their stocks…    

To market to market to buy a fat pig, home again home again?   Jiggery jig!
So bacon does seem to go up every time we go food shopping but pigs will need wings for anyone to benefit from these ideas.   Pigs getting their wings?  Now THAT rings a bell…

However, I must admit that I do not actually own a crystal ball but I DO own a calculator.  So armed with reading glasses coffee and calculator, I thought I would look into what these unprovoked meddlings could mean?
 Well the first thing to disregard would be the size of the rooms in typical social housing properties which are typically smaller than the grandiose mansion.  This is because such tenants are thought to have same size master bedrooms as those who can stretch out at night…

Right..  So if a 90 year old three bed roomed terraced house with a ground floor bathroom, complete with antisocial neighbours each side or not, councils could ask around £145 per week  for your right to live in it..  Now although my coffee went cold, I am reliably informed by my calculator that this means at least £630 per calendar month.  

Try getting THAT from an estate agent!   Room sizes problems?  Never! Size is unimportant in such master bedrooms…  That will be £1620 pcm with references; BUT NO DOGS.  

What does this mean in real, estate, terms then?  An imposed rent increase of between £252 and £504 per month. =  £756  minus  £1 for every year of the properties age?   £666…   The devil take it…   666 coincidentally, is part of my wife’s National Insurance number…

Another thing that the law meddlers will see as a good idea though; is this…   If you have a non dependant under your roof who decides to move out and leave you under occupied, a 14% cut will be levied against your housing benefit claim.  Does this mean that local councils will make about £20 per move?  NO!  They could lose double that when the non dep moves out and stops paying his/her share to them…

A non dependant by the way, is the one who is always out in your car with mates or laying in bed all day with an X Box…

Yet there is more…   New tenants now will be subject to a five year review on their needs for remaining in social housing to add to the new regime…

Dear Council Officer, you remember little Billy the new born I moved into here with along with my spouse…   Well I am proud to say that little Billy is now a schoolboy.   Unfortunately he tells me a lot of lies.  Lies like for instance he ate all his cabbage I gave him when in fact he binned it behind my back.  I worry already that if he doesn’t soon start to be truthful, then he could go into politics?

My spouse?  She left me for another man a year or so ago…   I’m still annoyed at this because I think it only fair that she should have taken her Mother as well…

Anyway, since you ask, I have no income now apart from lone parent benefits. And if you evict me now, then where could you rehouse me as homeless lone parent?

Would, in all seriousness as much as you can see from this government, would a 14% cut be fair on a tenant who asks to be decanted into a smaller property as a result but has to wait on a list for a couple of years?



Tuesday, 22 May 2012

We wish you a merry ASBO and a happy new jeer …


The story of Christmas.
Once upon a time in a cabinet office not so far away, there lived a war mongering Prime Minister called Tony Blair…

Now Tony was very protective of his war mongering skills and would even claim that in other lands there lived some rulers who had weapons of mass destruction at their disposal so he could practice his skills, even though he had already made quite sure that those weapons were now disposed of anyway.  He still liked to pretend they were a real threat to his land because after all, weapons of mass destruction had the same initials as his inner cabinet; War Mongering Department…

However, one day, he noticed that the young and the not so young people of his land were getting into their own versions of war mongering…  They would drive cars too fast at night, frighten their neighbours cats and even swear at nice policemen; not to mention refusing to help dear old ladies across the road without carrying off their handbags for them in return…

“What shall we do with all these people who are anti social?”  Tony mused to his cabinet friends.

“I know,” said the home secretary, “Let’s make they’re behaviour against the law.”

“But it already is,” said the tea lady who was serving coffee instead.

“This means war.” Said Tony.  “We will tell all the judges to order them to behave or else!”

“Or else what?” they all murmured as well as “Here here.”

After awhile, it was agreed to issue an Anti social behaviour notice on such wrong doers in order to stop them in their tracks.

“We will call such measures, an ASBO,” Tony said making a note on the back of his hand.   It was best to call it that because to write Anti social behaviour order would have meant writing half way up his arm.

Again however, as time, crime and changing Prime Ministers went on, the ASBO was a thing to have.   You wouldn’t be considered worthy of even watching television without a licence if you had no ASBO to your name…

Well today, in recognition of the value of ASBO, they are now to be called CRIMBO; or Christmas to use the proper terminology.

ASBOs will now become Christmas orders announced the new Prime Ministers cabinet.as they sang "Jingle bells, prison cells all full up they say, so slap a Christmas stamp on them and send them on their way...

Monday, 30 April 2012

Going for Gold


The Olympics this year will probably have a much better Javelin contest than ever before…

I elude to the surface (ground) to air missiles that are planned to be mounted on the top of residential blocks in East and South London…   Albeit that the Javelin missile was primarily designed to destroy a tank and the Javelin spear was designed to get as close to the Olympic officials as possible without actually killing them, residents who will have the capability of thwarting an air strike during the friendly games can hopefully be sure that no television aerials will be knocked out while dealing with such incoming threats.

After all, any personnel trained in such weaponry must have surely been tested for performance enhancement drug usage if intending to hurl things around at the behest of the Olympic village?

How many can be taken up to the roof at once though?   Supposing the lift limit is ten people at any one time?   Can a young Mum get her shopping and her buggy in the lift with just two missiles?    Going up?

However, so much for culture, though what about all those senior citizens who will be living under such rooftop technology?  Well unfortunately, due to budgetary restraints these older residents will only be given broom handles or pitchforks to defend Stratford with.  All will not be lost though because these devices can also prove to be very effective deterrents as the enemy don’t like it up ‘em…

Given the nature of such extreme measures to keep the games within budget though, I don’t think it will be wise to go hot air ballooning over Stratford in a golden coloured balloon because these missiles will certainly be going for gold…







Thursday, 12 April 2012

Wrong name, Wright idea...

This morning I answered the door to a middle aged man with a clipboard.  He was obviously doing his best to look efficient and so I thought I’d enjoy the visitation as opposed to my normal greeting of, “No thank you,” while closing the door.

“Mr. Wright?”  He asked.

“I never knew you cared?”  I joked.

“Pardon Sir?”

“Why what have you done?”

“I’m looking for a Mr. Wright Sir.   Are you Mr. Wright?”

So now I’m finding it difficult to keep a straight face…   “Well some years back my Wife thought as much, Yes   So you could have a point there.”

“What is your Surname Sir?”  He tried.

“Not the one you’re obviously looking for.   And another thing….”

“Yes?”

“I haven’t been knighted yet.   It’s not right I know but sadly it’s true.”

“Are you Mr. Wright Sir?”

“Please go away, I’m still a married man…   And beside that, my wife, Mrs. Burrows, would hardly agree with you these days anyway.”

 “I’m looking for a Will Wright.”

Struggling to talk through a fit of laughter I blurted, “That’s not a name it’s a job.”

Just then my next door neighbour came around to the door.   “Are you Mrs. Wright?”

“No sorry,” she spoiled my fun.   They live over at number Thirteen, but their van’s not there so they’ve probably gone out.”

“Thank you Madam,” he said.   “I couldn’t seem to get this Man to understand what I was asking.”

“Many have tried,” she explained while rolling her eyes upwards.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Road Lurks Ahead

Although privatisation of the railway system failed to keep the promise of cheaper fares, motorists will no longer need to buy a rail ticket just to be ripped off for much longer because the next move in the great Tory ideologically culture is on track to privatise their roads as well...

This of course would seem like a good train of thought for owners of older vehicles because if they keep a car on a private road, they will not be obliged to pay for road fund licences, insurance policies, MOT tests, driving licenses  or any other outlay that doesn’t actually improve the performances of their (t)rusty steeds.   Where else could drivers on a ban drink and drive legally anyway ?

I would never drink and drive myself; not even coffee…  It goes all down me and coffee only keeps me awake at the wheel anyway…  Not being bound to the speed limit would appeal though..

On a more serious note of course, one quick set of laws will soon sort out the “Thou shall not remove our ammoniated water on a private road either,” loopholes.   Adding no doubt to around three million laws to enforce the ten commandments with still enough loopholes to keep barristers in luxury while they can all buy themselves a chunk of motorway with the windfalls as well now...

What does it mean to the average non road user?   You may well ask…
Well it means the same as it did when vat rose to 20%.   Higher fuel bill to deliver their groceries smartly handed down with their fish fingers and anything else exempt from VAT; yeah right…

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Gay marriages/happy marriages?


I have a question of note...   If two musicians marry, would they be in a same sax marriage?
 What if of anyone who re-marries after a divorce etc?   The sex would surely be much the same during their second marriage as it was in their previous one.   They would be in a 'Same Sex' marriage as they were before...

“Not now love I have a headache”
She has the headache/he has the T-shirt...

That was silly I agree but then again, I find opposition to same sex marriages equally as daft…

 Yes, nowadays, once again, quite a few church followers maintain that marriage is still only a sacred union between one Man and one Woman.  (To each other that is) and Such blinkered folk cannot understand why two men or two women should feel the same commitment for each other as their heterosexual counterparts.  In such arrangements the headache sufferers become the bigots who think that gay couples are low life…   Even though being gay still means being happy so gay marriages must be happy marriages.

Sex isn't everything of course.  In fact I'm sure that if I put my mind to it then even I could think of other subjects sometimes?  (Yeah Right!!!)...

We never asked to be born and were not given the choice of whether we would grow up to chase men women or both.   Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy chasing women.   (The case comes up next week)…  But seeing that gay orientated people have no objections to me being a heterosexual and able to enjoy being happily married, (no comment), why should I or anyone else deny them a right to marry a same sex partner?

It still (normally) takes a man and a woman to create a gay (or miserable) child…   There’s room for us all…